Thursday, February 20, 2014

Anecdotes of an Invigilator

TA 202 Mid Semester Examination
L17, IIT Kanpur

Mentioned below are some short humorous incidents that happened over a period of one and a half hour.

I was silently roaming at the back of the lecture hall like a ghost.
I noticed three dudes cheering and talking in the last row.
"Kyun laundo, kaafi kush dikh rahe ho tumlog. Aakhir baat kya hai? Settle ho gaye ho kya."
"Sir, seating arrangement ke hisaab se baithe hai. Aap cheating karne dijiyega na?"
"Mujhe toh yahan 'cheating' arrangement dikh raha hai. Mil jhul ke kaam karna. Taqdeer tumhare saath hai."

A guy used to give me a stare whenever he got stuck at some question.
And again.
And again.
It was high time I confronted him.
"Tum gay ho kya laundey. Kya main bahut sundar dikhta hoon?"
"Nahi sir, bas atak gaye the sawaal pe."
"Abey agar atakte ho toh bagal ke paper ko dekha karo. Humko dekhne se thodi na solution mil jayega."
"Thik hai sir." 
Aur achanak se uske shakal mein aayi is muskurahat ko dekh mera dil paseej gaya.

A cute girl raised her hand.
Like a vortex causing a whirlpool, 
withdrawing water all around,
Invigilators from all corners of the room,
Poured their heart and soul to save this damsel in distress.
A bakra was needed.

"Ankit come here!"
I was summoned and ordered to meet the instructor-in-charge in L-7. All this labour, just for one cute girl. But an order is an order, and I had to carry it out.
I went and got scolded instead.
And when I returned to her, she spoke the magical words - "Sir, doubt nahi tha. Samajh aa gaya."

"Sir, OARS mein mera section C-14 hai aur sir jo mail bheje usme C-9 likha hua tha. Toh paper mein kya likhe?"
"Tumhaare tutor kaun hai?"
"Nahi pata sir."
"Class jaate ho?"
"Nahi sir."
"Ek kaam karo .."
Eagerly, he lent me his ears, "Haan sir, boliye .."
"Dono likh do. Tumko benefit of doubt jaroor milega."

I picked another unique piece next.
"Launde tumko constipation hua hai kya?"
"Nahi Sir."
"Toh itna pareshaan kyun dikh rahe ho?"
"Sir rubber laana bhul gaye. Share karna allowed nahi hai."
"Toh pareshaan hone se thodi na rubber mil jayega."
I picked up an eraser, "Yeh lo. Jaldi mita ke wapas karo. Aur yeh loose motion wala shakal mat banana aage se kabhi."

Another chap raised his hand.
I undertook a voyage floating through a score of rows.
"Kya hua? Haath kyun uthaye ho? Koi doubt hai kya?"
"Nahi sir, hum kuch soch rahe the."

His partner was struggling with a CNC code.
A shock he got, I could very well understand.
"CNC nahi padh ke aaye na. Soche hoge important nahi hai. ECM, EDM, Lathe ke jagah CNC code kyun puchenge."
"Haan sir." He said in a muffled voice.
"Yehi hota hai. Main tumhaari peedha samajh sakta hoon. Jo theek se padhaya nahi jaata hai, exam mein wahi aata hai. Code nahi banega on spot. Na isme logic hota hai aur na hi proper syntax. Bas rat ke aana hota hai book ka example, jo tum karna bhool gaye."

And then there was one, who preferred to sleep peacefully as if he had found heaven on earth.
I stood beside him, watching the droplets of saliva falling from his mouth.
He woke up.
"Yaar room pe jaake so jao. Accha neend aayega."
"Sir ek ghante baad mera VIVA hai, agar room pe gaye toh phir uth nahi paayenge."

Then I saw something unusual.
Another cute girl whispering to her companion to show her the schematic of the Electrochemical Machining process. But, her companion didn't even buzz.
She betrayed her.
It was Treachery.
It was Blasphemy.
Paap hai yeh.
I approached her stealthily.
"Oye, cheating kar rahi hai?"
She turned and said in a mesmerizing voice - "Naaahiii siiir."
"Dekho yaar tumhaare saath dhoka ho chuka hai. Aise thodi na cheating hota hai. Woh kuch question kar rahi hai, tum kuch aur pooch rahi ho. Strategy banana padhta hai. Lekin yahan tumhaare saath gaddari ho chuki hai. Toh agle baar se be careful. Pick a guy he will always help you."
And her smile faded.

I glanced into the answer sheet of the traitor. There she was, documenting the CNC code. Who on earth does that. Her neat and tidy booklet reminded me of someone.
"Sir, yeh lijiye. Ho gaya mera."
I flipped the pages.
"Choti Jaipuria tumko toh pura number milega. Yeh toh mera bhagya hai ki mujhe shakshaat Mataji ke booklet ke darshan ho gaye."

Half an hour to go and only a lone warrior was left behind, fighting his battle.
"Launde, jung khatam ho chuka hai. Hathiyaar daal do."
"Haan sir, aap thik keh rahe hai. Yeh lijiye mera paper."
"Toh is jung mein haare ho ya jeete ho?"
"Sir, lag toh raha hai ki haar chuke hai."
"Koi baat nahi haar ke jeetne wale ko baazigar kehte hai. Endsem mein fir milenge."

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